Seasoned with Salt

Extended Families: A Worthy Goal

"Mama, guess what? Meme has only one mama and one papa!"

While young American kids are being fed homosexual propaganda such as Heather Has Two Mommies, an adopted child in Rarotonga (whom I will call Margaret) has discovered what we call the nuclear family--Mom and Dad and kids. Margaret is surprised about her classmate Meme because while Meme lives in a nuclear family, with one set of parents, Margaret feels that she has two mamas and two papas.

When she became pregnant with Margaret, Margaret's birth mother recognized that another child would severely strain the family's limited finances, but for her abortion was not an option. Instead, she asked her sister, who readily agreed to adopt the child. On delivery day, the "mamas" shared a hospital bed as soon as the child was born, so the baby could bond with her adoptive mother, while bringing joy to her birth mother.

For the uninitiated, Rarotonga is a delightful, largely unspoiled island in the Cook Islands, South Pacific, where I was recently able to vacation. The once bellicose Rarotongans threw down their weapons once and for all when missionaries brought them the Gospel of Jesus Christ in 1821. We can learn much about society and family structure from this still predominantly Christian island.

Today in America, organizations such as Focus on the Family, the Family Research Council, and the American Family Association work hard to promote a family-friendly culture and legal environment. I have a great deal of respect for these and other organizations, and do what I can to support their efforts, but I have a question for them and for all thinking people:  Is that widely accepted reference point, the nuclear family, the ideal societal building block, or should we aim for a society built on the extended family?

In her 1996 book, It Takes a Village, Hillary Clinton essentially posed the same question. Unfortunately, Ms. Clinton equated the village with government bureaucracy, a severe case of mistaken identity. Of all social institutions, governments are the most ill-equipped at parenting.

Meanwhile, back in Rarotonga, those bastions of unconditional love called grandparents often shoulder much of the burden of childrearing, until the children reach about age five. Up to that point, what more do children need than to learn about love from the example of those who do it best? In Margaret's case, in addition to grandparents, she was able to turn to, and learn from, two father figures and two mother figures. Beyond this extended family, she also had her church family. In Rarotongan society, older women are respectfully referred to as "Mamas" and older men "Papas," acknowledging their experience, maturity, and role in church and society. The children freely intermingle and grow up, by and large, to be gentle and generous adults.

Could America become a nation of extended families? Since all Americans are descended from wayfarers, one is tempted to shrug off the question by insisting that extended families are not in our genes, but early American history debunks that notion. Many of our forebears traversed land and sea in the company of their large families.

What hinders Americans from building an extended family structure?

Most would say it is a matter of economics. Often the best job opportunities require one to relocate. Businesses exacerbate this situation, frequently requiring employees to relocate periodically as a condition of advancement in the corporate structure. My own three siblings and I are scattered among four states, from New York to California. Only with the low cost and convenience of email have I begun to communicate regularly with all of them.

A big part of the reason why nuclear families are falling apart is because of the lack of support of extended families. Yet the pro-family leadership has been all but silent on this issue, in effect attempting to address family problems with their own programs, products, and services. I challenge these leaders to reexamine their ministries in a Biblical light, and fill the gaps.

What can be done in our transient economy? Here are some starting points:

• Families should be encouraged to set a higher priority on family stability than on monetary goals. Is that promotion really worth cutting ties with family, friends, schools, and church?
• Businesses need to be prodded to evaluate the costs of moving on their employees' families, with the intent of reducing the number of moves, as well as enabling telecommuting. The military is one of the worst offenders, keeping employees on the move almost constantly.
• Employees should express to employers their needs for stability, and ask them to develop career tracks that will not disrupt family ties. I think that if businesses will do this, they will recognize substantial benefits in terms of productivity and employee loyalty.

How about it, folks? Who will take the first step?

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